Characteristics of the Co-Dependent in Relationships

1. We come from a dysfunctional family system in which our emotional needs were not met.

2. We received little nurturing ourselves; we try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a care-giver, especially to men who appear needy.

3. We were never able to change our parent(s) into the warm, loving care-taker(s) we longed for; we respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable men whom we can again try to change through our love.

4. We are terrified of abandonment; we will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving.

5. We believe almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will "help" the man we are involved with.

6. We are accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships; we are willing to wait, hope and try harder to please.

7. We are will to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt, shame and blame in relationships.

8. Our self esteem is critically low; and deep inside we do not believe we deserve to be happy. Rather, we believe we must earn the right to enjoy life.

9. We have a desperate need to control our relationships, having experienced little security in childhood. We mask our efforts to control people and situations as "being helpful."

10. In a relationship, we are much more in touch with our dream of how it could be than with the reality of our situation.

11. We are addicted to relationships and to emotional pain.

12. We may drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being emeshed in situations/relationships that are chaotic, uncertain and emotionally painful, we keep from focusing on our responsibility to ourselves.

13. We may be predisposed biochemically as well as emotionally to abusing chemicals or certain foods, usually sugary ones.

14. We have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which we try to forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship.

15. We are not attracted to men/women who are kind, stable, reliable and interested in us. We find such "nice" men/women boring.